Inner Dialogue: Fear

If I'm like this at 45, what will I be like at 65...85? How bad will it get? How will I manage? How will my family deal with this? Will my kids think I can't do "mommy" things anymore? Will I be able to, and for how long? Will my husband see me the same way? Will I be a burden? Will people pity me when I go out in public? Will they start speaking to me differently...as if my physical condition makes them feel obliged to be more kind, more soft spoken, more "oh I'm sorry....and you're so young"? Will I be able to work? How much will this cost?

Reflection: Reflecting back, as I am writing this a year later, it becomes painfully obvious that I had a deep, intense, and unrelenting fear of the unknown. Many questions, few answers. As a nurse with Parkinson's patients, I knew what the future might look like. I was a previously healthy, middle aged female, who was now suddenly and without much warning plunged into a world of uncertainty. I had not thought I would be facing issues like this until I was much older, if at all. My perspective on my entire life had changed almost overnight. During this time, my inner dialogue was exactly that - kept inside. But I'm sure I wasn't fooling anyone with what I thought was my "brave face". Especially when I cried. I mean...on top of my body making me miserable, I was torturing myself in my mind. It seemed I couldn't get any sort of relief. It was stress run amok. And without me knowing it at the time, I was contributing to the severity of my disease.

- Dorian A., RN, CHLC

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