Chapter 2: My New Truth
The wait for my endocrinologist appointment seemed much longer than it actually was. My symptoms were rapidly getting worse and new ones were appearing. Now I could not finish a shower without having to jump out and throw myself wet and undressed on my bed because I could not endure the physical expenditure of what little energy I had, or the heat of the water. I would lie there under the covers shaking and panting for several minutes before I had the strength to get up and get dressed. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. I had no endurance, my breathing was becoming more difficult because of my racing heart and occasional skipped beats, and I often choked on my food. It was as though once I acknowledged the fact that I was sick, the powers that be (which I like to call The Universe) thought it would now be appropriate for me to really feel it and own it. This was my new truth, like it or not.
I tried to adjust to the idea of having MS or Parkinson’s, but I just couldn’t. Selfishly I thought to myself, “How can this be MY life? How is this fair? I give my time to helping others when they are ill and dying. What kind of cruel repayment for a career of service to humanity is this? What kind of harsh lesson was The Universe trying to teach me?” I’m not a praying person by nature, but I do believe in the power of The Universe and the fact that there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. So what was the reason for this? My inner dialogue went something like this:
Dear Universe: Get me out of this and I promise I’ll take better care of myself. I’ll do whatever it takes. This isn’t for me. Give me the strength to handle whatever may happen. Please, please make this go away. I don’t want this. Help me to find what I need to make it go away and the ability to recognize it when it presents itself.
And suddenly there it was…the mental realization that caused both an emotional and spiritual shift. It wasn’t that I couldn’t accept it, it’s that I wouldn’t. The difference between the c and the w in those two words is what keeps me going to this day. I knew I was not going to take this lying down. I was going to fight! But I needed help. Perhaps the endocrinologist was the answer…..
- Dorian A., RN, CHLC
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